my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
