doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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