I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
