I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
