I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
