Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
