No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
