I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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