I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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