Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
