As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
