This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
