dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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