Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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