if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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