Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
