Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
