Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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