strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
