just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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