I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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