Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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