My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
