I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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