I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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