Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
