I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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