Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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