I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
