You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Blood and glitter go together right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
