I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020