never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
