Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
