Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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