pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
