Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
