I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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