Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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