you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
