Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
