Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.