im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?