he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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