I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I will die if light touches me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
