I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
