everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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