She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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