Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
