If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
