Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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