I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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