I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
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Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE