i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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