Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
