I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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