I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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