This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
