so that wasnt chicken after all
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
