From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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